“The releasing of expectations is really what frees us and our horses to reach our full potential.”- Timea Chemez
Expectations are generally rooted in an idea of the future– something we walk into a situation with: a hope, outcome or a particular directive. While expectations can sometimes drive action and inspiration, the problem with them is that they are rooted in an assumption that we have way more control over situations and relationships than we actually do. The evolution of relationships and the outcomes of situations are all alchemical reactions to many dynamic inputs and factors and rarely driven by our own control.
In many instances when specific expected desires aren’t met we find ourselves frustrated and upset.
Expectations are a completely normal human desire, they help us manage our interactions and search for meaning, progress, and a false sense of control. A perceived expectation can give us a mile marker to know how far we have come towards something we desire. Loose goals (or a intention) can help us direct our energy and work towards something. Problems arise, however, when we become so inundated in the specifics of what we want to happen that we completely miss the present opportunities being offered to us– when our expectations take the driver’s seat and present reality (which can often be even better or more appropriate than our vision) lags behind.
Often we have more expectations than we even realize. For me, working with traumatized and formerly abused horses highlights this on a regular basis. From experience, I know that these newly rescued friends are cautious of me as a human. Because of this, I try my hardest to walk into “training” with them, careful not to impose any sort of agenda or the need to “do” anything big or demonstrative… I simply just want them to know I respect them and that I am one of the good humans….
And just like that….! An expectation that snuck in unannounced!
How would I know that they felt safe with me, or know if they felt respected or not? I would surely need (or expect) some sort of indication, validation, or behavior change to show me that my intentions were being met. If the horse didn’t indicate (by of course using my humanly predetermined cues), I would perhaps feel frustrated or upset.
Now of course a goal is not a bad thing to have when it is simply something we are aiming for and releasing expectations (when us humans are so good at setting them) is something that takes lots of practice. My reflections from the horses teaches me that it's more about clinging to the essence of a goal versus the particulars. How can I walk into a situation with, let's say, connection being the goal– a goal I hold onto with just the right amount of looseness and just the right amount of grasp. If in my mind, (based on my own human definition), connection looks like letting me put on a halter and walk together, I may likely be disappointed. However, if I am open, present, and willing, to explore what connection may look like through the eyes of the particular being I am meeting on that particular day, a simple eye turned towards me or the speed of their breath could express connection. It would be tragic if I was so fixated on my predetermined definition of connection that I wasn’t there to see what was actually being offered to me-- to notice the connection that is right in front of me.
Spending time with the horses becomes the most important place for me to train my expectations away. When I walk into a session with an attitude of presence, openness to possibility, and a curiosity of what could unfold, I find that what is meant to be expressed is often more appropriate for the moment than whatever I could have imagined.
Thinking back over my time with horses, my memories are flooded with examples of moments with expectations and moments when I’d give in. *Note: notice here that I don’t say give up. Surrendering to what the moment has to offer isn’t about giving up a desire to create connection or make “progress.” Rather, it's more about giving in to the potential that exists beyond what my mind has defined as an indicator of progress.
There were so many times I’d be working towards something hyper specific: haltering, saddling, or even being able to just be with or touch an unhandled rescue. For hours or even days the harder I would cling to an expected outcome, the further away it would seem to get. What’s that old saying…? Even the best laid plans…?
Okay, okay. I give in. “What is it that you want to do,” I would ask my horse.
In this [adorable] video of Shalala below, the answer could sometimes be that she wanted to be highlighted as the star of the show, reminding me that play, joy, and not taking it all so frickin’ seriously, is just as important to building a trusting relationship as any of the things my human brain has on our “to do” list. What if in the end, we are more likely to get more “accomplished,” if she knew that she has a voice and is just as much a collaborator in our relationship, as I am?
It really makes me think... how would our human relationships would improve if we came to each other like this– with this much presence, patience, and willingness to be with one another exactly as we are? What would the world be like if we let the people in our lives surprise? If we didn’t walk in already “knowing” how our toughest relationships would respond or behave. So often, I walk into situations setting myself up to be let down. I have a very specific idea of how the people in my life should respond to me and how it would feel to be seen and heard by them. The horses help me realize that freedom in a relationship exists when we try our best to meet each moment as a fresh slate, when we leave our ideas of what we must accomplish at the door, and instead step into a world of possibilities.
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