As the weather shifts towards winter, a time of deep reflection and internal contemplation, I am reminded of the unique nature in which horses call me to do this on a daily basis. In a certain way, the horses provide me with a spiritual tether, anchoring me to a depth of connection and presence that can maybe only be likened to the reverence I experience when in prayer.
A couple months ago I wrote a blog about the power of leaning into fear and discomfort. These writings really offer me an opportunity to crystalize the teachings of the herd and to grow upon my ability to see the spiritual offerings present in every moment. At that time, I shared:
“I think there is some intuitive place within us all that knows avoiding our own pain, fears, and densities doesn't make them "go away." We often have to unpack them, study them from lots of angles so we can become a student of what in our lives needs transformation.”
The work with the horses at that time helped me realize that the things I avoid in my life don’t just disappear. Together, the horses and I continuously learn to re-approach our pain and trauma with fresh and willing eyes so that each day the fears can dissipate and heal. Since reflecting on this, I have noticed that turning to discomfort and fear is really only the first step. If I am able to muster up the courage to turn towards an undesirable or avoided situation in my life, but I turn towards it with stress, tension, and rigidity, I end up meeting density with density. In other words, I notice that when I approach a tense experience or person with tension then I am not working towards building a relationship where there is mutual understanding and healing but I am just creating more refined edges between the disconnection. Imagine two people with their arms crossed sitting on the same couch but with their backs turned to one another. They may be “together,” but in a posture of separation as opposed to facing each other with open arms and a soft and willing spirit. While it may have been brave to arrive on the couch, the next layer of this conversation is about how I am arriving to the “couch.” This has then led me to become interested in a conversation about approaching life’s demands in a posture that is soft, willing, and open.
One of the most important and fundamental things I ask of the horses, from the time we are learning to put the halter on to the highest level of training, is softness. What I am looking for when I ask for this is for them to lean into our relationship and trust that I have their best interest in mind. This can be the act of softening applied to everything from an unhandled horse just softening to my presence being near them to a high level dressage horse softening to the suggestion of a rein cue. Softness is a willingness to come together in connection and relationship. It is the most important building block of connection, because it takes that softening, that yielding, that turning towards one another to create connection and relationship. Most recently, this has shown up when working with our last unhandled horse, our filly Éowyn.
Éowyn has been our hardest horse because any amount of pressure was too much. A simple send away or attempt to yield her hindquarters would result in her trying to climb the walls in a panic. I had to start with the most micro level of the concept that was most important to me- the softening. I would walk into the stall and just simply stand at a distance, facing her, slowly and slightly raising my arm. This was all the pressure she needed. At first, she seemed like she wanted to jump over the stall– she was tight, tense, trembling all over, and wouldn’t even look at me. I'd just stay at that same distance, waiting, holding my arm up to keep applying the pressure. I stayed patient, consistent, steady, and willing. Eventually as it became clear that I was not going to get tired and go away, but I was also not attempting to eat her, she began to slowly turn her head towards me, bit by bit. It was in the most macro level slow motion, like watching a scene in a movie unfold frame by frame. First her jaw slightly relaxed. Then her head slightly lowered. She didn’t look like she was about to force her way over the wall anymore. Then she breathed a little. Then, very slowly, she slightly turned her head towards me. I waited, in this slow motion unfolding, until I could see finally see one ear and one eye, turned towards me. At which point I immediately released pressure by dropping my arm and my gaze and turning away, while at the same time, clicking and treating to give her a bigger reward for attempting something so terrifying. Other people might not see this as anything amazing, but to me, what Éowyn just offered was everything. It was softness. It was softness in relationship to me.
Eventually, using this baby step method, and working in short sessions multiple times a day every day, she let me touch her from a distance with the stick, and then with my hand, and then with a rope. Every time, my goal was just to achieve that softness above anything else. Because once she gave me that softness I knew we had connection and we had relationship. Once we had the softness, I knew everything else would follow.
The first time she allowed me to halter her.
The relationship with Éowyn isn’t just about her showing up to the conversation, the full potential of the connection began when we trusted each other and danced together in partnership. When we softened into connection and relationship together.
Taking this lesson off the pasture and into my life: This human experience is certainly a wild one, full of ups and downs, beauties, challenges and disappointments. I find that some of the largest contributions to my own human dis-ease is when I resist life as it is in the moment, when I show up to the “couch of life” with my arms crossed, stating my demands. The tension that is inevitably present in life only grows when I want something to be different, when I don’t trust the future, or when I forget that I am being held by something greater than myself. In my own words… when I forget to soften, turn my own eye and bow my own head towards God. This is softening, just like Éowyn softened to me in the stall. It is when I soften to God, when I meet God with a reverent heart and a bowed head, God meets me. Its the subtle (but important) distinction between being willfull versus willing.
Willfull (adj): having or showing a stubborn and determined intention to do as one wants, regardless of the consequences or effects
Willing (adj): ready, eager, or prepared
Willfulness is embodying a bolder in the stream of life, hunkered down pushing our agendas, desires, any even our ideas of how life should be, unwilling to be moved. Willingness is the pebble being carried to the next beautiful and right spot in the stream-- it's an open palm to God's plan.
There have been so many moments when this teaching has been especially loud. Perhaps the most memorable being the incredibly personal story of me becoming a mother. Right before Jess and I got married, I had to have several surgical procedures to remove a lot of skin within my cervix. The doctors weren’t sure if I would be able to hold a pregnancy at all or if a pregnancy would be high risk or with complications. The doctors advised me to start having kids right away, if I wanted them. Jess and I hadn’t been married yet and we certainly weren’t in the ideal financial place to have children but all I wanted was to be a mom. I was so willful, I kept pushing and pushing causing a divide between Jess and I at a moment that was already incredibly traumatic and stressful. At one point, I had a panic attack about all the pressure and the willful desire I had for things to be different than they were. On this particular day, I flipped my Bible open and it landed on a random page, from the Book of Job– a story of a man losing everything that mattered to him. In the end of the story, he realizes despite all the loss, that he still has his relationship with God, and that it’s his relationship with God that’s actually more important than anything else. At this moment, a light bulb went off. I realized I did have what was the most important thing in this life- a relationship with God. And that I had to soften into that relationship. I had to lean into it. I had to bow my head, turn my eye and my heart to God. To know that He was holding me, and that anything important in my life would happen by His will and on His timeline. I might have children or I might not one day, but it was my relationship with God that was the most important, and I already had that. I just had to soften into it and wholly trust Him.
Years went by of me praying, softening, trusting, releasing, and finally we were in a space where Jess and I agreed that it was time to have kids. In 2015, I got pregnant immediately. I sought out a high risk OB and began my journey hoping that at 16 weeks we wouldn’t receive bad news or complications. At 16 weeks, our doctor was dumbfounded– she looked at my cervix expecting to see the remains of surgeries and trauma but instead she saw so much cervical skin, more than enough, more than the average woman's cervical skin. It was a miracle and an answer to prayer– it made me realize that all those years I didn’t need to worry, that God did have my back, and that the teaching of that experience happened for my evolution, for me to learn this lesson that would be applied to every next moment.
Whether it is inside a stall or in my walk as a mother, softening to God and into whatever His will is an act of taking the pressure that's applied (ie my health stuff) and softening further into it with willingness, patience, and presence. It makes me think…. What if all this time God is just standing over there in my own “stall,” with His arm raised- patient, present, and steady no matter what? Waiting… just waiting for me to turn towards Him and soften? What if, similar to Éowyn, the trials and tribulations of my life are just providing moments to strengthen my relationship with Him through softening? Through putting my relationship and connection with Him before all else?
There is something about this time of year… maybe it's the holidays arriving or our busy work cycles coming to a close. Whatever it is, it evokes a sort of heightened tension. However this tension shows up for each and every one of you this holiday season, I hope you can remember to be like Éowyn, using the pressure to soften into relationship with God, turning an eye and ear towards Him at all times. It is our relationship with God first, and then with each other, that is the most important after all, especially during this time of the year, when we should be remembering the story of His birth and His love for us, over materialism and our busy schedules. May Éowyn's willingness be a gift of remembrance to us all this holiday season.
Check out this behind the scenes of Éowyn and I building our connection:
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